I finally broke down...

And made an appointment to see my doctor. I was hoping for something along the lines of "oh yes, you have thing x and the treatment is thing y" and my disparate symptoms would be tied together and gotten rid of, but nothing's ever that tidy in real life. And as a side note, I am not really a fan of real life. It's just too exhausting. I overheard two women talking about their relationships and one of them said, "oh, I cheated on him," and it got me really wondering where people like her get their energy. I mean, it wears me out to consider even one relationship, much less extra ones on the side. I mean, really, what is the secret? I might be able to do something other than stumble out of bed and go to work and then stumble back into bed with energy like that. Shoot, with some of that vim and vigor I might even be put together enough to wear an accessory with my standard ensemble of jeans and whatever shirt isn't covered in cat hair yet..... Ugh, just thinking about that makes me tired enough to cry.

Things that make me cry

Well, okay, it might not be entirely accurate to say that these things make me cry. It's probably more fair to say that they act as triggers. I think the tears are always just about a millimeter below the surface. So here we go, in random order, reasons I've cried lately:

• Software updates
• Google ads
• Dietary restrictions
• Joint swelling
• Facebook
• The telephone ringing
• Work
• Video games
• Articles about people going through hard things, even when everything turns out ok
• The level of cognitive dissonance other people just seem to be okay with

So basically I'm a mess. I don't like many things anymore, really. And, oh yeah, the way I always feel like I need to censor myself and can't just be honest, even in a blog nobody even reads, makes me cry. It's no wonder I have so few friends; I'm an insufferable drag.

The cruelty of months

You know, April is just a normal boring month. The month guilty of crimes against humanity is February.  Winter continues to take its toll, the diminished sunlight triggering my hibernation instinct and the juniper pollen committing atrocities against my respiratory system, except now all the local ecosystems think it's springtime, so the weeds and wildflowers are also waging biological warfare against my well-being. Ugh, thanks a lot, NATURE. Sometimes I wonder why we even bother trying to preserve you.

February

I have a countdown widget on my phone to remind me that life is still worth living. February is a hard month because we're still in the dark days. And for me, dark days are especially dark.

Lately I've been feeling tired in a way that goes way beyond any ordinary fatigue or sleepiness. I'm so tired that I don't want to sleep. I want to be dead. The trouble with sleep is that after a while you have to wake up and I know for certain that I can't handle that. I won't stop being tired, and I'll just have to go around doing normal things, getting tireder and tireder. Working, eating, walking and talking. Thinking.

So I tell myself I just have to hang on. Only a few more days until we cruise, and then I'll get to charge up on all the sunshine I need. Will it last me past the cruise? I'm hoping so. I need to store up enough sun on our cruise to get me through the rest of these dark days of February.

Sometimes, if I were anyone else but me, I would punch myself. I steal things from myself and hide them--and manufacture false memories of where they are. Tonight I was looking for my precision screwdriver set (the NICE one, since I have two and the crap one was easy to find). It wasn't on or around my desk or in my toolbox, which is where such a thing would normally be. So I thought about where I had seen it.... Oh yeah, my entertainment center! I could see it so clearly! So I looked there. And looked again. And I kept on looking in places where I remembered seeing it and not finding it there.
I did eventually find it--in a place I had already looked--by hulking out and smashing some stuff.
I still haven't found the charger to my electric shaver. My shaver got low on charge, so I went to get the charger from where I knew it was. In fact, I knew there were two of them there.
Ok, certainly at SOME point there were two of them there.
I've done the same drill as for the screwdrivers, but it just hasn't turned up in probably over a week. So I know that the me with the other brain has hidden it away somewhere SO CLEVER that nobody else--especially the me with THIS brain--can ever find it.
So frustrating.

November

A few weeks ago, I wondered whether I should write a novel for NaNoWriMo or knit a sweater for NaSweKniMo. The reason it was an either/or proposition is that they are of course both November, and while in theory a person could write a complete novel AND knit a complete sweater in a single month, there are extenuating circumstances, such as that I have a job.

And so I made the choice I always make when confronted with two options: do nothing instead.

Happy _____________

Tomorrow is my birthday, but my family is making today "My Birthday Observed" for reasons of scheduling. That's fine by me. But today marks a very special anniversary: Exactly one year ago, I was leaving the gym and spied something small and white darting around the parked cars in the lot. When I realized that this was a kitten and it was alone, I started trying to catch her. I enlisted Rachel and Dad to bring some smelly wet food and a carrier, and once they showed up with the goods, the actual capture of the kitten was easy.

We weren't planning to KEEP Hazel-- we already had three cats, so we were going to just foster her. But she started purring when we brought her in, and didn't stop for several days. How can you say no to a sweetie like that?

And so, what would have just been the day of her rescue turned into the date she got a permanent (purr-manent!) home.

She has grown to be pretty big at about 12 pounds, though she's still tiny compared to the boys. And even though she's the youngest cat, she has the oldest, biggest voice, and lots to say.

We love you, Hazel!!

And also Happy Birthday to me.

I have failed...

So, a couple of weeks ago, I felt a strong and certain calling: write.
And here I have been, not writing. I was elated, ah! I know at last what I am to do with my life! What a relief!
In my excitement, I sort of forgot to actually start doing it.
Oops.
I'm terrible at not sucking.

Thursday was my work-from-home day, but I ended up not getting much work done because I was busy with my real full-time job: Going to medical appointments.

First off, I had to get blood drawn. I've gotten blood drawn many times that didn't result in any consciousness-related problems, but this was not one of those times. There was a spot of trouble regarding the needle actually getting into my vein, at which point I mentioned that I might like to lie down.

I didn't get to lie down as quickly as I would have liked, so I slid right on out of the special chair and into some alternate dimension until I was pulled back by the sharp smell of ammonia. It's always weird when I faint like that, because it isn't the same thing as sleeping, really. I guess maybe I go immediately into the dream phase of my sleep, but it mostly feels like I've just moved into another reality, and I never want to leave. I always hate it when they wake me up--today I had to smell ammonia, sometimes it's rubbing alcohol, sometimes they just say "Angela, wake up!!" repeatedly. Huge drag. How am I supposed to get any sleep around here?

But the nurse in charge used this as a teaching experience for her assistant: "And now you've seen a classic vasovagal response!"

'Roid Rage

Well, ok, no rage, but today I got a steroid shot in my knee. Now, I'm a well-known wimp when it comes to medical stuff. I faint when people even talk about medical procedures. Any time I Google-image-search a medical condition, I regret it.
Needles, though, are fine. Totally fine. It was funny to me that during the shot, which took a long time to administer, I was all cool. But then they just wouldn't stop TALKING about stuff and I had to lie down. Ha, ha.
The injection included a topical anesthetic, which has now kicked in. That, combined with the Tramadol and ibuprofen I've been making sure not to forget, helps a lot. Now I just hope I can survive physical therapy! Go me, I can do it!

Desire to write something...

But no knitting content. I'm not sure whether I should transition this blog or start a new one; already I have left in my wake a trail of discarded blogs. Abandoning projects half-way through is my primary hobby, after all.

I have been thinking lately about pain and pain meds because I am living that right now. When you have surgery they send you home with a prescription for narcotics and tell you to "stay on top of the pain," but here's my question: at what point do you move beyond "staying on top of it" and into "I am addicted to pain pills" territory? Sometimes when I hurt I'll take a Tramadol and then wonder if I'm not getting hooked on not being in excruciating pain. It's an easy thing to get hooked on, certainly. At this point my "habit" isn't interfering with my life or work or anything so I don't think it's cause for alarm, but how will I know? Ideally the pain will diminish and then stop, but I have no guarantee that will happen. I'm not worried about it, just wondering.

I'm also wondering, somewhat less hypothetically, if I ever will get better and be able to just do life normal again and walk a lot and take the stairs and go back to yoga and stuff. I think I would benefit from a lot more exercise, but see above in re: pain.

I'm such a whiner.

headband

I had yarn and needles at work, but no idea what to do with them. So I knitted up a headband, using psammeadred's pattern and I'm wearing it even now. Picture to come. I did the cabling sans cable needle, which I love because I, like a great many other knitters, just can't seem to keep track of my cable needles.

I post so seldom on here it's not even funny. I think one of the main reasons is that this is a knitting blog, and I just do so little knitting these days. The reason for the infrequent knitting may also be the reason I never post: I have very little free time. I'm in choir at church, I work full-time, and I'm always trying to add a little more exercise. So right now I'm having a little trouble deciding whether to expand this blog's scope (which I kind of have already) or to start a new blog that will include all KINDS of stuff about my life, or whether to let the blogger in my just die peacefully. This is the sort of decision I may ultimately make via coinflip, because I am so bad at choosing things on my own, no matter how consequential they are or aren't. Don't judge me!

Stupid with a flaregun

 
I finished weaving in the ends on these today. Stephanie and I both fell in love with this knit while we were yarn-crawling a few weeks ago, so we each got a kit. I of course went with an eggplant color, and tada! I love them. Bonus? The match my new Namaste knitting bag, which I've been carrying everywhere as a purse (that is mysteriously full of knitting).
And also the shirt I was wearing today.
As well as the purple part of my market squares bag.
And my robe (though nary the twain shall meet).
And honestly a bunch of other stuff I have around here, because apparently this is my favorite color.

In sadder news, my crochet hooks have gone missing and I cannot figure out where they are. I even thought that by looking feverishly for something else I could trick them into appearing, but it wasn't to be! Alas, and also alack.

This week in pain...

Tuesday we took Madeline to the vet. Now... Maddie isn't fond of me at the best of times. But when I'm trying to get her into the carrier? She really isn't. I came away with a nasty bite on my finger, but the swelling has gone down on it enough for me to move and it's healing up nicely.
But then Thursday comes along. We're out for a treat of ice cream (hooray!) and get rear-ended. Hello, whiplash. No worries, I'll just continue my regimen of frequent ibuprofen that I began in response to the hateful cat.
And now Sunday.
I used my Burt's Bees Milk&Honey lotion, which smells so tasty that my Banzai had to lick my leg. We sit outside to warm up after being in a too-air-conditioned restaurant. I get in the car to leave and feel something brush against my face. Thinking it is my hair, I reach up to brush it out of the way, when OW! What the hell! I look at my thumb and there it is: a stinger.
Poor little honeybee gave her life to fight off my thumb. I feel horrible. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't smell so sweet. :(

red

Rachel and I have been swimming about three times a week lately, and I have found Swimplan to be a handy resource. It generates workouts based on a number of factors, and saves me from having to decide what to do. Love that.

I'm making a Red Scarf this year. This picture was taken on Wednesday, so I've made a lot of progress since then, but... at least it's a visual. I love how it's turning out so very squishy!
On June 1st, we adopted a new cat into our house, and she has been under Rachel's bed this entire time. It really seems like there isn't even a third cat in the house, except that there's an extra box to clean. We feed her separately from the boys, too, because they are known piggies (no offense to actual pigs).

Snails!

Rachel removed this snail from the pathway of lots of foot traffic, and said snail didn't want to let go of Rachel's hand. But it's awfully cute. And big. The snails near my house are never nearly this large.


And here's another snail.


Thought for today:
Say no to drugs
unless you need or want them.

Banzai has turned five!

So it's Banzai story time.

One morning a dreadful storm blew down the fence in the back yard. A neighborhood cat alerted us by staring intently at the spot. Not long after, the next-door neighbors' massive dog decided to check out our yard. No problem. Except that Banzai saw him.

He got fluffy.
The situation was resolved peacefully, as Rosco was more than willing to return to his home, and the fence was easy enough to prop back up and stabilize with a ridiculously heavy cast-iron chair that just happens to live in the back yard.


This is the face of contentment. Someone to pet him, AND an afghan to snooze on!

Happy EarthDay to you, Happy EarthDay to you...

Since it's Earth Day, but mostly because I have them, here are some nature-related photos I've taken lately!


We've had several bees around the bushes in our front yard, and they don't really respond to my requests to please hold still so I can take a picture. But this one was a little bit cooperative, and isn't she cute?


I know it's a weed or whatever, but I think dandelions are lovely, and this one greeted me yesterday as I was out the door to go to the health club.


On March 31, it still looked like winter. The sky was grey and the tree was mostly bare (although there was a good deal of new growth).
Now, it's summertime. It was 90 degrees yesterday and this same tree looked thus:

She provides a good deal of shade, for which I am grateful. Even in a light-colored car with a sunshade in the window, it gets mighty hot being parked in the sun.

Angevoli

Mom said I had made enough changes to Picovoli that it was like a different pattern. She recommended I write up my notes. Sigh. I'm far too lazy for this sort of thing! But here we go:

The yarn I used, 2nd Time Cotton, knit up at a gauge of 4 st/in on size 8 needles (Denises, if you were wondering) instead of the 5.5 st/in called for in the original pattern. I'm not gonna let a little thing like gauge stop me! This looks like a job for math!
So, the cast-on specified for the size I wanted to make (40-inch bust) was 140. Divide that by the gauge: 140/5.5=25.4545454545... which either I or my cell phone (which doubles as my calculator!) rounded up to 25.5.
Multiply that by the new gauge: 25.5 * 4 = 102
But I wanted a number that divided by 4 evenly, so I made it 104. I could have made it 100 instead, but I didn't. Oh well! I cast on with crochet hook because I like the way that looks with garter stitch, and purled my first round. Right now, and until I finished the garter stitch rows, I was working on a size 6 needle.
At this point, honestly, I think I just picked nice divisible-by-four numbers to be how many I have at front, back, and sleeves. I went with 16 stitches at each sleeve and 36 at front and back. I didn't take very good notes as I went along.
Anyway, with my markers placed, it was time to work my first increase round. I worked the increase rounds thus, every other round:
*Knit to 1 st before marker, yo, k1, sm, k1, yo, repeat from * until end of round. When I finished garter stitch, I switched to size 8 needles but kept on in the increase pattern.
I worked until I had the sweater the size I wanted it, then put the sleeves on holders (extra Denise cables). On front and back I had 76 stitches each, and at each underarm I cast on 4 stitches, which put the sweater right at 40 inches. Cool.
Then I worked even until the point where it was time to begin decreases. At this point I basically followed the pattern except that I had to adjust the number of stitches between markers on the waist shaping:
The original has 52 stitches at front and back and 58 stitches at the sides, so for me
52/5.5≈9.5*4=38 "untouched" stitches at sides
58/5.5≈10.5*4=42 stitches to start waist shaping with.

This is where I switched my size, too, to account for a larger waist and hip. This part is easy: I just stopped the waist decreases early. The I increased as per instructions and then knit even till it was as long as I wanted it. Switched back to size 6 needle, worked 10 rounds of garter stitch, and bound off.
All this part I finished probably in August, not too long after I had started it.

After that I left it in a project bag all by itself for a long time.
When March rolled around, I put one sleeve's stitches on needles, picked up the four underarm stitches, and knit my sleeves, decreasing two stitches at the bottom side every 1.5 inches twice. Then I worked 10 rounds of garter stitch on size 6 to make it match the neck and lower edges, bound off, and did the same thing on the other sleeve. The process took part of an evening.

Then I wondered why I had put it off so long. Oh well, I've got a new top now. It's on Ravelry here!

Octopus Prime

This little fella came from Tamie Snow's book Tiny Yarn Animals: Amigurumi Friends to Make and Enjoy, which I got way back when I had a birthday. I'm pleased with how he turned out.
Something else I'm pleased with:

the shirt I finished a couple weeks ago, a version of Grumperina's Picovoli that I reworked for a larger gauge and sleeves. I changed the increase ratio at the yoke for this, but maintained the shaping because I love it. It's hella comfy, but the neckline is pretty wide. Which WOULD be okay except that my purse is wool and has a wool strap. Which, again, WOULD be okay except that I'm allergic to wool. So the exposed bit of neck/shoulder turns red. Guess I'll just have to use a different purse when I wear this top.