The cruelty of months

You know, April is just a normal boring month. The month guilty of crimes against humanity is February.  Winter continues to take its toll, the diminished sunlight triggering my hibernation instinct and the juniper pollen committing atrocities against my respiratory system, except now all the local ecosystems think it's springtime, so the weeds and wildflowers are also waging biological warfare against my well-being. Ugh, thanks a lot, NATURE. Sometimes I wonder why we even bother trying to preserve you.

February

I have a countdown widget on my phone to remind me that life is still worth living. February is a hard month because we're still in the dark days. And for me, dark days are especially dark.

Lately I've been feeling tired in a way that goes way beyond any ordinary fatigue or sleepiness. I'm so tired that I don't want to sleep. I want to be dead. The trouble with sleep is that after a while you have to wake up and I know for certain that I can't handle that. I won't stop being tired, and I'll just have to go around doing normal things, getting tireder and tireder. Working, eating, walking and talking. Thinking.

So I tell myself I just have to hang on. Only a few more days until we cruise, and then I'll get to charge up on all the sunshine I need. Will it last me past the cruise? I'm hoping so. I need to store up enough sun on our cruise to get me through the rest of these dark days of February.

Sometimes, if I were anyone else but me, I would punch myself. I steal things from myself and hide them--and manufacture false memories of where they are. Tonight I was looking for my precision screwdriver set (the NICE one, since I have two and the crap one was easy to find). It wasn't on or around my desk or in my toolbox, which is where such a thing would normally be. So I thought about where I had seen it.... Oh yeah, my entertainment center! I could see it so clearly! So I looked there. And looked again. And I kept on looking in places where I remembered seeing it and not finding it there.
I did eventually find it--in a place I had already looked--by hulking out and smashing some stuff.
I still haven't found the charger to my electric shaver. My shaver got low on charge, so I went to get the charger from where I knew it was. In fact, I knew there were two of them there.
Ok, certainly at SOME point there were two of them there.
I've done the same drill as for the screwdrivers, but it just hasn't turned up in probably over a week. So I know that the me with the other brain has hidden it away somewhere SO CLEVER that nobody else--especially the me with THIS brain--can ever find it.
So frustrating.